Written by Julie Anne Waterfield
Allison
was a beautiful ray of sunshine in my life. The life of an Army wife
can get lonely at times – moving around so much, searching for new
friends, and trying to make a strange house and new town feel like
home. A mil-spouse herself, Allison knew the struggle, and reached out
to my husband the very first weekend we moved a few houses down from her
in Montgomery, Alabama. She invited us on a blind friend date with her
and her husband, Justin. It wasn’t long into our first dinner together
that I knew we hit the friend and neighbor jackpot. It was easy to be
drawn to Allison. She was incredibly witty and had an amazing ability
to make everyone around her feel welcome, included, and loved. I knew
we would be lifelong friends.
With both of us expecting our first
child, Allison due a few months before me, we had a lot of similar
experiences that year in Montgomery. We shared pregnancy together,
eating cupcakes regularly, waddling around the neighborhood, and
alternating as the designated driver so our husbands could enjoy
drinking for two on the weekends. Allison’s career as an early
childhood educator, coupled with adoration for her niece and nephews,
portrayed her love and experience with little ones. I trusted her baby
sense, and copied everything she did. I chose the same OB group, the
same stroller and car seat, even the same nursing tanks and nipple
shields. I wanted to be just like her. She was adorable, healthy,
smart, funny, loyal, supportive, and oh so sweet. Every time she
greeted me with my giant belly, she said, “You look beautiful!” Of
course I didn’t think so when I looked in the mirror, but she made me
feel so good. Allison was a great friend. She handled pregnancy and
motherhood beautifully…on the outside.
On
the inside, less than 200 feet away from me every day, Allison was
silently struggling with Postpartum Depression. I had NO idea. I
inquired about her postpartum hormones after baby Ainslee was born. I
bluntly asked her, “Do you feel crazy? Do you cry a lot?” I wanted to
know for myself and prepare for what I would soon be experiencing with
the birth of our baby. She responded that she cries some, but mostly
happy tears about Ainslee gaining weight and the appearance of little
chunky baby rolls, about how precious she is to her, and what a good
father Justin is. Why didn’t I dig further? I regret every day that I
accepted her answer.
My beautiful would-be life-long friend lost her hidden battle with Postpartum depression on June 28th,
2016. She left behind a loving husband, a precious 4.5 month-old baby
girl, and countless family and friends who adored her. I miss her every
day, and I’m not even her family. The depth of their pain…I cannot
fathom. Her family’s hope, as well as mine, is that PPD is
de-stigmatized, and that other struggling mothers may hear her story and
seek help. The truth can be so hard to speak, especially when you feel
your truth is shameful. There is nothing shameful about PPD. The
adjustment to a new way of life as a mother, added to the raging
hormones, can be a brutal weight to bear. It is a weight that never
should be carried alone.
Not every new mother’s journey is happy
and bright. Sometimes it is dark, lonely, scary, miserable, and
uncertain. And the guilt! The guilt that we self-impose and that
society imposes on us is overwhelming. If our journey as a mother isn’t
daisies and butterflies, we feel alienated and ashamed. There is a
rainbow at the end of the PPD storm that is raging for these struggling
mamas. Help is out there in many forms if we just seek it: loving
friends, supportive husbands, counselors, support groups, and
medication.
To
all those mothers out there experiencing some of these same feelings:
you are not alone, and you are not a bad mother! PPD is lying to you.
It is twisting your memories, feelings, and beliefs and reshaping them
into an overwhelming falsehood. You will not be judged, only loved, as
you seek help. To those breast-feeding mothers taking Reglan
(metoclopramide) to increase milk supply: stop and do research. Reglan
has detrimental side effects such as new or worsening depression,
suicidal ideation and suicide. Supplement with formula if needed. Your
baby will be just as perfect and healthy with or without the breast
milk. Having more breast milk is not worth sacrificing your mental
health or possibly your life.
Please share Allison’s message with
everyone you know, and reach out to those new mamas. Love them through
their struggles. Pray for them. Open up about your own tough
experiences as a new mother to make them feel more comfortable and less
alienated. Ask them tough questions over and over again. I wish I had.
Resources and information for PPD:
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